Chando Mama. That’s what you called the Moon. At least that’s what it sounded like.
I know you loved the moon a lot. I can still picture you smiling like a child, and stopping to tell me to look up at the sky whenever we were out somewhere at night.
There’s a bright full moon out this evening.. There has been a lot of news leading up to this night- because supposedly this is a rare Moon night. They say that it is referred to as a Snow Moon, sometimes also called a Hunger Moon.
I heard on the radio today that it appears every 19 years?!
I know I could look all of this up to see if it’s true, AND look up the exact word or spelling of the moon in our language. But sometimes, I like to remember things the way that I was first told them, or just the way they were in my memory. I don’t need it corrected. I just want to hold on to what I heard or felt at that time. This especially is true about anything that I heard from you.
So Chando Mama and today’s Snow Moon that hasn’t shown up for 19 years it is.
I never got a chance to tell you that the Moon has been so significant to me over the past few years in particular. Some might say it’s because I’m Aquarius. We are moon-crazy, I believe. Some might say it’s because I’m a romantic. Moon crazy indeed. Some might say it’s because I believe, or believed, in magic. I think all of these could be true.
But, the biggest reason for my love of the moon is over the past few years at least, I swear I could feel Mama- your mom- in the moon’s energy.
I actually would smile at the moon and speak to it on some nights, as if I was speaking to Mama. I could just feel her. I don’t know how to explain it. But at those times, I just knew it was her.
I never told you because I didn’t know if it would make you sad, or maybe I thought you would just think I was being silly. But now I wish I HAD told you, because maybe you would have believed it too. And maybe, in remembering that now, you would find some ways to reach me through the Moonlight because you know I’d be looking for you or Mama up there.
When I was traveling, especially in foreign places, and felt a little lost or lonely, the Moon always kept me company. Even following it somehow led me to places where I ended up needing to be, without realizing it. I felt all of a sudden “found” and guided, rather than lost or unsure. And something told me that that was Mama’s way of still looking after me, after us, as well.
But over the last year, I’ve been losing those beliefs. I wonder if those moments with the Moon and with my sensing Mama were just completely make believe. Maybe they never happened. Because if I had had those feelings from Mama, then surely, I would feel you- my own mother- somewhere around me as well. I have been searching everywhere. I’ve been keeping my senses open and alert, to see where your energy might show up- in the moonlight, in a song, in the sparkle of the ocean or fluttering wings. Maybe in the wind. But I’m not sure if I feel anything. I’ve even waited for you to come into my dreams, but nothing peaceful and reassuring has come from my sleep.
But tonight, I did find myself a little hypnotized by the moonlight. I looked up a few times at it, and felt… something. I’m not sure what it was. But I decided to talk to it a little, as if you were there somewhere in its light. I guess this night of the Snow Moon is also going to be my night when I open up a little space in me to hope and believe again.
And why not start with the Chando Mama, right?
If I once felt Mama up there, surely you’d have to be there with her.
And maybe some days, pretending is better than not having a hope at all.
I blew a kiss towards the Moon tonight Mom, for you and Mama. I hope you felt it.
Thanks for the light, for the guidance, and the magic in the sky. I am wishing up on the many stars around the Snow/Hunger Moon tonight that you are at peace, and cared for up there. That while you are watching over me, you are being watched over and loved the way you truly deserve to be, the way you always took care of us.
Goodnight Mom, Mama, and the Moon. With my curtains open, I am grateful to be sleeping under your light tonight. I will try to make tonight a new night of believing.