I had a dream last night or this morning that I was at some event. It looked like an Indian or maybe even Ismaili function. I just remember seeing some clothes that looked a little Indian-like, and that smell- you know the one?- Of chai and sweets and maybe even uger baathi (incense). Anyway, I don’t even know what I was doing there.
But in front of this plain white door was laying this outfit, on the floor. It didn’t look like something I recognized of yours. But at the same time, I don’t know how to explain it, but I felt as if you had just been in it. As if you’d been wearing it. But then you kind of disappeared out of it. Like your physical form just left it and it lay on the ground not in a pile, but almost in the position it would be in if you had been sitting in it and leaning against the wall or door it was in front of.
It was an Indian outfit. Pale blue and white, I think. Light fabric. Maybe some little sequins on it.
Then, out of nowhere, you appeared. Not in the outfit, but just watching me look at the outfit. I stared at it with such sadness. You could probably see that. And I might have even asked around, wondering where the outfit came from and why it was there.
But then you were behind me. I don’t know what you were wearing. But you looked sad too, I think. But you looked at me as if it was normal for you to be there, right near me. And I was kind of in shock and didn’t know what to do. I knew you were not alive anymore, but as usual in my dreams, it felt as if you didn’t know this. And I never want to tell you or say anything about it in my dream. So I don’t know.
And instead, I just waited for you to say something. And you looked at me and said, “I miss you. Can we go somewhere after this?”
I cried. And I’m still crying at the thought of it as I write this to you. I didn’t want to wait until after the event was over. I wanted to say why don’t we go now? But I think I just cried in my dream and then woke up crying.
I don’t want you to miss me so much that you’d be so sad. I don’t want you to be sad. And I know you don’t want me to be sad either. So I guess I can only try to turn this around and say, I miss you too, Mom. You have no idea.
And I would have gone anywhere with you. I wonder where you’d have wanted to go. To eat, to a different city or continent? For a drive or a walk? Or just to your home somewhere?
I’d like to imagine or pretend we could go somewhere together. Where should we go? Your choice. I want to take you anywhere you want to go.
Thanks for coming into my dream. Don’t be sad though, Mom. I think I remember you had your hair done nicely in the dream. That made me smile. That you were somehow still dressing up for any events, even if they were just to show up in dreams.