“When I am gone, look for me in every star,
every moon, every brand new day.
I am not gone. I am everywhere with you dear.,
everywhere the light gets in.”
Yesterday, I went out to run some errands, and at a certain point, I thought I was lost. Lost in my own city, lot in my own neighbourhood, I was wondering what the point of all this roaming was. Lists of things I ‘needed’ to get done throughout the day. How did these lists even get made? I mean, how did I decide what to prioritize over what? And why?
My heart just felt heavy. I thought about you and how that should have been my main priority. And now, it hurts to not even feel like it’s an option- to give you my time, or love or get that unconditional love back from you. I was stepping on the pavement along the street, but felt a loss of footing, ungrounded. I kept trying to keep myself focused on my list of things needing to get done, and not get distracted. But then I saw these pretty little cards and nick knack gifts at this cute shop along my path. And I stopped in not knowing what I was even looking for.
It turns out, I didn’t have to go very far. I hardly took two steps in, and IT found me. I didn’t have to even try. The first card, staring me right in the face. Or should I say fluttering it’s sparkly butterfly wings into my heart. That little poem at the start of this blog entry is what was written on the card. And although I didn’t have my phone with me to take a picture of it, or even a pen to write it down, I sneaked open one of the pens that were on sale near me. And I jotted the words down on the corner of a little scrap piece of paper in my purse. Don’t worry, I put the pen back where it belonged.
Hopefully, the universe will forgive me for taking a second to use a pen that wasn’t mine. I just felt like it was meant to be. A message from you, I hope, I pray. A message telling me there is no reason to feel lost. You are with me, everywhere, every day.
I didn’t search for anything else in the store. Didn’t feel any need to delve deeper into all the cute items all around.
I walked out, walked to the bank- CIBC of course. Our bank. And because I still don’t really like using the machines to make bill payments and check my balance (I’m very old school like that), I stood in line, and waited for a teller to be free.
I even remember thinking that I must have a lot of time on my hands to waste waiting instead of just quickening the process through the automated machine. But again, I was meant to be in that line. I am so glad I chose that “longer” path. See, there was this older man in front of me. I’m guessing he was in his 70’s? I am not really sure.
But he was waiting too. And while he waited, he spotted one of those baskets or bowls of candy at one of of teller stands. I thought he was just going to grab one, …or two? But he stuck his hand in their pretty deep and grab a bunch. Greedy little bugger, I thought to myself at first. Haha. I thought for sure he was going to shove them in his pockets or something before anyone of the bank employees could catch him (Even though there is a camera not too far from where we were standing. But anyway…)
And you know what he did instead? He put his hand out to me, to tell me to take one or some. Awww… my heart just melted. “Have some,” he said, before he even took one for himself.
“Thank you,” I replied. “That is something my mom would do. It means a lot to me. Thank you.”
“My pleasure,” he said.
For some reason, I felt this need to add, “It almost makes me cry, because my mom passed away two and a half years ago. I remember she always used to pick up candy at banks while waiting in line, and give one to me and keep some in her purse.”
And he smiled such a genuine smile at me and said, “You know, I still talk to my parents, and they passed away a long time ago. We were taught that, that we could talk to them forever. I came from a poor Irish family, but I was so lucky to have been brought up so well. I have had such a blessed life. Even my father never raised a hand or his voice to us. He didn’t have to. He would just look up at us and ask us to think about whether what we were doing was good or not.”
“Maybe you were meant to pass on a candy from my mom to me,” I said to him. “To remind me that my mom is always there.”
“Yes, she is,” he said.
And then he was called up to the next teller. And I tucked away the candy he gave me inside a corner of my purse, the purse you actually bought me, Mom.
You are everywhere with me, always. I just can’t let it be any other way. I won’t let it.
I was, and still am, truly blessed to have you as my mom.
Love always and forever, Tas