This is the journal entry I wrote to you yesterday on Mother’s Day:
I’m sitting at your gravestone right now on a beach mat you gave me a long time ago. I keep it in the trunk of your car so I can pull it out whenever I come here, and sit more comfortably on the grass “with you” and for a longer time.
The tree draped over that little river area here has gotten its green leaves back. It is not so dried up as the last time I was here. there are crows milling about on various parts of the grass. Two in particular, just behind me, seem to speaking to each other. I swear they are having what really looks like a deep conversation. Remind me to tell you another time what I have learned from crows over the past couple of years.
There were kids running around the grassy area, just across the roadway on the cemetery plot area near yours. I liked seeing them smiling and playing. It made it feel less like a sad place to be and more about beauty and innocence of life, rather than the melancholy of old age and death.
The kids made this place feel more alive for little bit. I found it curious though, how the little boy in the family wouldn’t get into the car when his family got into the car, ready to leave. He just stayed seated on the grass with his head down. I wondered what was going through his mind or heart at that moment.
When his father forced him to get into their white van, the kid started wailing. Maybe he was just tired, or was being stubborn. But sometimes, I wonder whether he was feeling something from the cemetery that the rest of the family couldn’t understand. After all, they say that kids can be quite intuitive or sensitive to that kind of thing because they just came from spirit, not long ago. Whereas, us adults have been so far from it for so long. But who knows? Do we really return “home” after we die?
And do angels really exist, Mom? I’ve been reading more and more about the afterlife, about angels, and listening to talks by Angel “experts”, whatever that means. And I’ve been using this angel deck cards- the Ascended Masters- by Doreen Virtue- more often again. Michelle bought me those cards many years ago. I had no idea what I would use them for, or if I would even use them at all. I don’t know if I believed in any of that at that time. I still don’t know.
But I feel like I need to believe in them right now. Not as a substitute for God or the Universe. But as additional helpers to connecting us to the divine. After all, let’s face it, God definitely has a lot to do on his own.
I’d like to believe that there are beings or energies that help each of us out during times of trouble, doubt, pain, or even times of excitement and adventure. I’d like to believe in guardian angels and archangels to give me some sort of hope that there really is this angelic world out there after we pass away. I need to believe that the angels help protect and guide us. But mostly, I want to believe in something that can connect me with you. It’s not that I don’t believe in God, it’s just that I need a ‘middle man’ to bridge this very abstract gap between us and God. It’s hard to follow something you don’t see. And, though I know that angels are not exactly seen, I have heard that they can be called upon in a way that gives us a more tangible knowing of their existence or of the divine.
I don’t know. It all sounds a little crazy to me too. But the bottom line is that if I could feel that angels exist, then I could believe that you must also have your own angels looking after you. In particular, I need to know that angelic entities guided you when you passed from this earthly realm into heaven. I need to feel that you were assisted to not feel afraid and to just let go and be free. I need to feel that you were assisted in any healing you had to go through along the way. That you were comforted and cared for and loved. I need to know that you still are. That God and angels are surrounding you at all times, surrounding you and filling you with peace, happiness and freedom.
It feels strange writing “heaven” because I don’t know what I believe about it. I don’t know what YOU believed about it. But I hope you are somewhere that is heavenly. And quite possibly, you could be my guardian angel too, if you are not too busy with other things up there. Maybe you and Mama and even my first brother who we never got a chance to meet or grow with- maybe you are all watching over us now.
I keep looking for signs that this could be true. Like the sun keeps peering out every few minutes, shining a brilliant light onto these journal pages. Each time I write another line, its like the sun light follows. I would love to believe that that could be you reading along as I write. Or maybe it’s the angels illuminating the page and words to take the messages back to you from me.
I love you Mommy. I love you so much. I hope God and the angels are looking over you and taking such good care of you.
Thank you for being my mother. It was the best thing that could ever, and will ever happen to me. Nothing could compare to you.
Happy Mother’s Day.
I watched a movie at home last night before I feel asleep. The Fault in Our Stars.
Here’s a beautiful song from it which I thought was called What About Angels? Well, she says it enough times to make it seem like it could be the title. I am going to think of it that way anyway.