Candy In My Pocket

Hi Mom,

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There’s a Pho place I go to often in my new neighbourhood. They have a basket of these mint candies by the register.

I always grab two (at least). One for you and one for me.

I know how much you liked having some candy or granola bars or chocolate in your purse. Well, now I do too.

I thought it was just for fun, for those cravings that can often come to have something sweet after meals.

But now, I realise it was much more than that. Sometimes, my blood sugar feels like it goes down fast. And it’s like I need something quickly to stop that faint or lethargic feeling. I’ve been eating healthy, but sometimes, not on a regular schedule, or I crave sweets because I’m not eating much bread or grains.

So my energy just drops. And that one sugar kick from a little candy can change everything. It keeps me going for a long time after, and feeling more in control.

Maybe it’s not the ideal way to go about it in the long run. But I don’t think people understand how much it can a difference. I know you did. And I wish I was more sensitive to that for you.

Thank you for always having something in your purse for us, and for you.

I don’t care what people say about not having candy, especially if you have diabetes. I’m sure it’s even harder to kick the cravings when you have that condition. And it almost feels like you’re not going to make it. If you’re alone, that can be even scarier.

I get it now. I so get it.

I’m so proud of you for only having a bit of a piece of cake at my dance performance, even though I’m sure you probably wanted the whole piece.

You were trying to be so good to yourself, and consider your health. Instead, that rude organizer told you off for cutting off only a piece from that part and not finishing it.

I’m so ashamed for not standing up for you. You were absolutely right- I should have said something.

I did afterward, a few days later, and I even set up a meeting with her to talk to her about how I felt. But it was too late. I didn’t do it in front of you. And you thought I wasn’t there for you. If it makes any difference, I never went back to any of that organizer’s events again. But it didn’t make a difference, because you didn’t see or feel what I tried to do to make up for my horrible mistake.

I had already let you down and left you on your own without someone to be on your side. I feel like I did that a lot. And I’m so, so sorry for all of those times.

Thank you for just wanting us to feel loved and happy and fed and never hungry. Thank you for making it very obvious you were always on my side.

I wish I had done the same for you. You deserved it so much more than anyone I know.

I wish I had had something more in my purse whenever I was with you and especially when you were in the hospital. I am so grateful that Grace was with you when you went down to get that test done that tired you out, and made you feel faint. On a treadmill or something. Why did they even push you through that after you had fallen and were losing blood? It makes me so angry. But when I heard that Grace gave you some biscuits, and that made you feel enough strength to get yourself back together for those moments, I was so relieved.

I feel so stupid that I wasn’t there to help more or that I didn’t see how much these little things made such a big difference. I wish I had been more prepared to help you, and been more sensitive to your needs. I wish I had not listened to the doctors and nurses but had listened to you and my intuition, which was telling me you needed emotional support and to screw the rules about candy and tests and all that. They needed to see how much you could take in those moments, and it was too much.

I should have stood up for you and made that space and time for you. I wish I had been a more courageous daughter and made you feel you could always count on me.

I wish I could share the candies I get now with you always.

Thanks for always reminding me to keep candy or a bite of something in my pocket in case I need it.

Thank you for being my mom, and showing up in every way still, with your reminders and lessons and love.

Love always and forever, Tas