letterstolaila

I’m Sorry I Made You Worry, Mom

Hi Mom,

I heard this awful news last night- that the gun shots that some people heard a few days ago here in Vancouver were not just real, but also ended up killing someone. A young guy. He was just in his car going to a birthday party.

He had come to Vancouver a couple of years ago to study, and he had never drank or smoked anything. He was just wanting to learn, and save up for a house, and make his family back in India proud.

I still can’t believe someone just came up to his car and shot him. And his roommate, who had known him for ten years, saw his body in the car after the tragic incident. He was in shock. And made it very clear that his friend whose life was taken was not involved in anything criminal. He was a good person, a kind and hard working person. The roommate said his friend would make food for him when he was working, and the roommate would make food for the friend when the friend was working. They took care of each other. And just like that, the friend is gone.

Why do things like this happen?

It made me think about all the times I was out, and you worried. And sometimes, my phone would accidentally pocket dial you, and of course you worried, because a call would come in from me late at night and nothing sensical could be heard.

And then all the times I went away to another city or country, especially when I was studying in England. It was the first time your baby was away from you. Of course you worried. I am so sorry for putting you through that. For not coming up with a better system to reassure you that I was okay. You obviously knew tragic things could happen, like what happened to this boy. And no parent wants to have their child hurt or killed.

I found it hard to even write that last word, let alone imagine what his parents and family are going through right now. Parents are amazing. You are amazing. What you had to just trust would be okay, without knowing who I was with or where I was a lot of the times. You had to trust I would be safe and not harmed. And I wanted to say thank you for dealing with it. You shouldn’t have had to. I should have been a little more considerate of how you felt.

Purdy’s Chocolatier is Hiring!

Hi Mom,

I know you’ll remember this event hough no one else will, but that Purdy’s Chocolate factory we went to years ago is hiring!

You took me there so I could do research on cacao for my school project. And I don’t remember what exactly we did there, but I remember were surrounded by chocolate, and I with my mother’s love.

What a divine combination!

Hot Wheels

Hi Mom,

Photo by Jalmar Tu00f5nsau on Pexels.com

Did you get my hot wheels car?

I left it on your grave stone after I spread the beautiful bright pink roses one the ground.

It was the day that marked 9 years of your passing, and I was thinking about the cute, generous, loving actions you liked to do. And those that I really love about you.

One of them was the way you liked little kids, and the way their faces lit up when they received little gifts. Toys.

I know one of your favourites were pretty little dolls, and also the hot wheel cars.

I chose a deep blue sports car. l think it was called a Zinger or something like that.

I had actually seen a boy looking at those cars at a grocery store a few weeks before. His dad wouldn’t buy one for him, but he was letting him look at them. The dad was really nice about it. He said that it was a day of not buying, and he wanted to stick to that, so the boy understood.

But that little kid was so fascinated by the cars. He didn’t want to leave them.

I so wanted to just buy one for the kid, in honour of you. But I didn’t want to go against the lesson that the dad was trying to instill, so I left it.

You Look Beautiful Today, Mommy

Dear Mom,

I was at Shoppers the other day, and while I was standing at the check out, these two little girls were waiting to pay for some toys or candy they had just picked out. There mom was standing near the exit door ahead of us, but I didn’t really notice her until one of the girls said, “You look beautiful today, Mommy.”

She smiled. I’m not sure if the girls got the reaction they wanted, or maybe they thought she needed to hear it again. So the girl repeated, this time a bit more emphatically, “You look beautiful today, Mommy.”

The mom looked over with more intention, with a bit more time facing her daughter from meters away, and said, “Thank you.”

I imagined that it was you standing at that window or exit door because I so wanted to tell you that you look beautiful. I so wanted to rewind all the times I had the chance to tell you, but I didn’t. I so wanted to tell that mom to look, to take in what just happened, even if maybe her daughter was trying to sweet talk her to buy her more things.

It doesn’t matter. I so wanted to be that little girl, given the chance to be in a store or grocery shopping, or anywhere with my mom to tell her how beautiful she is.

You are. You were. You still are. You always will be. I wish I told you more. I wish I had been in that Shopper Drug Mart with you that last day before you fell walking back and ended up in the hospital. I wish I had driven you and taken you wherever you wanted, whenever you wanted. I wish I had told you how beautiful you looked that day and every other day.

Today, is my birthday. I’m wearing yellow, our colour. My friends just bought me the cake I like so much from Save On. I miss it when you fed me cake. No matter my age, I would welcome it anytime from you.

One of your sisters sent me a message about how she remembers the family being around you at the hospital when I was born. And how they were hugging you, and so wanted to hug me, but they couldn’t. She said I smiled though.

I’m glad there were people there who loved you who were surrounding you so you didn’t feel alone. I’m sure I was smiling because I was so happy to have you as a mom. I still am, and always will be. Thank you for having me, Mommy.

Say hi to Mamma for me. Tell her thanks for dressing me in yellow, and starting our yellow trend, but mostly, for having you.

Magic Eraser

Hi Mom,

Happy New Year.

I’ve been redoing my little room. Wanting to make it pretty with lights and pictures and artwork. Some made by your granddaughters actually.

But there are some marks on the walls that I wanted to clean up beforehand. And I couldn’t get them out with just regular cleaners. So I thought- oh, magic eraser!

Remember you used to buy them for me before? They seemed to clean up walls pretty well, and I was making good use of them for a few years on and off.
But this time, they didn’t work. I mean, the marks have stayed. I guess they’re really ingrained in the wall.

And I thought huh, I wish I had a magic eraser that worked, not just for the wall, but also for… life.

Candy In My Pocket

Hi Mom,

Photo by u0130clu00e2l Au011flamaz on Pexels.com

There’s a Pho place I go to often in my new neighbourhood. They have a basket of these mint candies by the register.

I always grab two (at least). One for you and one for me.

I know how much you liked having some candy or granola bars or chocolate in your purse. Well, now I do too.

I thought it was just for fun, for those cravings that can often come to have something sweet after meals.

But now, I realise it was much more than that. Sometimes, my blood sugar feels like it goes down fast. And it’s like I need something quickly to stop that faint or lethargic feeling. I’ve been eating healthy, but sometimes, not on a regular schedule, or I crave sweets because I’m not eating much bread or grains.

So my energy just drops. And that one sugar kick from a little candy can change everything. It keeps me going for a long time after, and feeling more in control.

Maybe it’s not the ideal way to go about it in the long run. But I don’t think people understand how much it can a difference. I know you did. And I wish I was more sensitive to that for you.

Thank you for always having something in your purse for us, and for you.

I don’t care what people say about not having candy, especially if you have diabetes. I’m sure it’s even harder to kick the cravings when you have that condition. And it almost feels like you’re not going to make it. If you’re alone, that can be even scarier.

I get it now. I so get it.

I’m so proud of you for only having a bit of a piece of cake at my dance performance, even though I’m sure you probably wanted the whole piece.

You were trying to be so good to yourself, and consider your health. Instead, that rude organizer told you off for cutting off only a piece from that part and not finishing it.

I’m so ashamed for not standing up for you. You were absolutely right- I should have said something.

I did afterward, a few days later, and I even set up a meeting with her to talk to her about how I felt. But it was too late. I didn’t do it in front of you. And you thought I wasn’t there for you. If it makes any difference, I never went back to any of that organizer’s events again. But it didn’t make a difference, because you didn’t see or feel what I tried to do to make up for my horrible mistake.

I had already let you down and left you on your own without someone to be on your side. I feel like I did that a lot. And I’m so, so sorry for all of those times.

Thank you for just wanting us to feel loved and happy and fed and never hungry. Thank you for making it very obvious you were always on my side.

I wish I had done the same for you. You deserved it so much more than anyone I know.

I wish I had had something more in my purse whenever I was with you and especially when you were in the hospital. I am so grateful that Grace was with you when you went down to get that test done that tired you out, and made you feel faint. On a treadmill or something. Why did they even push you through that after you had fallen and were losing blood? It makes me so angry. But when I heard that Grace gave you some biscuits, and that made you feel enough strength to get yourself back together for those moments, I was so relieved.

I feel so stupid that I wasn’t there to help more or that I didn’t see how much these little things made such a big difference. I wish I had been more prepared to help you, and been more sensitive to your needs. I wish I had not listened to the doctors and nurses but had listened to you and my intuition, which was telling me you needed emotional support and to screw the rules about candy and tests and all that. They needed to see how much you could take in those moments, and it was too much.

I should have stood up for you and made that space and time for you. I wish I had been a more courageous daughter and made you feel you could always count on me.

I wish I could share the candies I get now with you always.

Thanks for always reminding me to keep candy or a bite of something in my pocket in case I need it.

Thank you for being my mom, and showing up in every way still, with your reminders and lessons and love.

Love always and forever, Tas

Brunch at Cora

Hi Mom,

I was at Cora, a breakfast-brunch place that I know your brother John really liked. And while I was waiting for my favourite fruit bowl to take to go, I was thinking that I wish I had taken you to this place. We could have gone to meet John Mama at the one that is right across from his hotel. And you could have spent more time with your brother and I could have spent more time with you. More fun time, instead of the rushed, going to appointments and getting errands done kind of meet ups I was pushing on you.

Just as I was thinking about this, a feather kind of swept by under my feet until it was right in front of me on the floor, so I couldn’t miss it.

And I thought, was that you Mom?

I Peed in the Cemetery

Hi Mom,

I haven’t written in awhile partly because I was really wanting to write about something that I thought I shouldn’t share. But obviously, I wasn’t able to keep it to myself. So here goes.

Yes, you saw the title right- I peed in the cemetery. Not in a bathroom at the cemetery but literally IN the cemetery.

See, I couldn’t make it to any bathroom and that’s the point of this post. I went out to go to your graveyard on Mother’s Day. And it was a hot day, so I made sure to drink water throughout the day, especially before I got there. I wanted to spend some time out there, to thank you for being my mother, and to soak in the serenity and surroundings. I was taking a Handydart bus/taxi, so I didn’t have an exact time of when I was getting picked up.

Anyway, my bladder was full, I guess. But if I hadn’t drank the water, I would have gotten a headache, dehydrated or fainted. You know how I get. And, to make matters worse, I am having A LOT of trouble walking, especially on uneven ground. And, well, cemeteries have some of the most uneven ground ever, understandably. But on top of that, I had to tread very carefully on any of those grounds because of the enormous amount of geese poop everywhere.

Man, those geese love cemeteries! It looks all pretty with them roaming around, until you get close and realize what messes they have left behind.

I should talk. I mean, little did I know that further into my visit there, I’d be leaving my mark on the cemetery grounds as well.

Dollarama Dates

Hi Mom,

I think I am off to the dollar shop, a Dollarama nearby, and I wish you could come with me. I know how much you loved dollar shops.

Whenever I go into one, I think of you. The simplicity of it, the play and exploration and fun. And the reminder that it doesn’t have to take much to get us excited about things and life. And the best things don’t have to cost much, maybe a dollar, or a dollar fifty these days, if that.

You always reminded me of what was really important: caring, smiling, finding little surprises and the thought behind the littlest gesture. You taught me that the little things are the big things. And dollar shops remind me of that.

I wish we could have gone on Dollarama Dates. They could have been pre-planned or spontaneous. And I imagine us going into the shop and picking out our favourite things. Or going with your granddaughters and son, and having kind of like a secret Santa. But instead of Santa, it would be a Dollarama.

And we would put all our names in a hat, that we would find at the Dollarama, of course. And we would get the name of the person we were buying for without them seeing.

And then we all scatter to pick out the best gifts for that person.

What if one person picks out a million things, and another picks out two? And who pays? Well, here’s the fun part. See, it’s a dollar shop so I think we each get 5 bucks? Maybe 10? Actually, I think 5 is better. Because then we take the time to really be selective with a few good items.

And since it’s my idea, I give everyone 5 dollars each (even though we know your son will not only want to pay, but will suggest we each get a hundred dollars, or go somewhere name brand- haha).

But the point is to appreciate the little things and run around one of the funnest, quickest kind of stores with all kinds of weird stuff. And see what everyone comes up with for their person.

And mainly, to hang out and think of each other in a unique way, with a unique token of a gift or gifts.

What do you think? What would you want to get for each person? Or what would you want to receive? What were your favourite items at dollar shops?

Maybe we could still do it, vibrationally, with you and me to start.

I will go into a dollar shop, and you guide me as to what you want to see, what I should buy, or what I should just pick up, and take in more.

What should we take with us?

Maybe you have already been going on Dollarama Dates with you, because I smile and laugh a lot when I see things I think you would like or just find funny.

I am just making it more official now. Let’s celebrate simplicity, giving, and the little things. After all, they are all values that my mother taught me.

Thanks, Mom, for all the beautiful lessons.

Love always and forever, Tas

Home is…

Home is not a place

It’s a face and a touch

Home is not a room,

It’s a tune and a sweet melody

Home is not made of walls,

It’s a freedom and a call

Home does not have rules,

It’s a trust and song

Home is warm blankets,

and sipping of tea

Home is where it’s safe to make believe

but also be the real me.

Home is inviting and not critical

Home allows me to create and is not stifling

Home accepts all feels

It lets me weep and cheer

Home is where I can dance in bare feet

Home loves it when I laugh

It’s my sanctuary, always paving a path

Home is fodder for the imaginary

Home holds my hand

and speaks with respect

Home is where I’m not afraid to take the next step

Home is a restful sleep

where there is nothing to fear

Home is where I am held and heard

Home is the cosiest bed and the fluffiest pillows

Home is where I can ask any questions

Home is the most giving of hearts

Home answers the door with open arms

Home is where I don’t need a key

Home is where I can dream

Home honours my soul and doesn’t require secrets

Home is a tender voice and world of choices

Home is protection and serenity

Home is my Mother’s love surrounding me.