Hi Mom,
I haven’t written in awhile partly because I was really wanting to write about something that I thought I shouldn’t share. But obviously, I wasn’t able to keep it to myself. So here goes.
Yes, you saw the title right- I peed in the cemetery. Not in a bathroom at the cemetery but literally IN the cemetery.
See, I couldn’t make it to any bathroom and that’s the point of this post. I went out to go to your graveyard on Mother’s Day. And it was a hot day, so I made sure to drink water throughout the day, especially before I got there. I wanted to spend some time out there, to thank you for being my mother, and to soak in the serenity and surroundings. I was taking a Handydart bus/taxi, so I didn’t have an exact time of when I was getting picked up.
Anyway, my bladder was full, I guess. But if I hadn’t drank the water, I would have gotten a headache, dehydrated or fainted. You know how I get. And, to make matters worse, I am having A LOT of trouble walking, especially on uneven ground. And, well, cemeteries have some of the most uneven ground ever, understandably. But on top of that, I had to tread very carefully on any of those grounds because of the enormous amount of geese poop everywhere.
Man, those geese love cemeteries! It looks all pretty with them roaming around, until you get close and realize what messes they have left behind.
I should talk. I mean, little did I know that further into my visit there, I’d be leaving my mark on the cemetery grounds as well.
I know this all sounds funny, like I’m making a joke out of it, but actually, it was very stressful. I was so uncomfortable trying to walk, and not getting far, and almost falling several times. And I really wanted to enjoy my time at your gravestone to talk to you and bring you beautiful roses. And then go to Mama’s gravestone to leave her a few flowers too.
But by the time I got to hers, my legs felt too heavy from the heat, and my body was aching for some relief from the water in it, and I just couldn’t find Mama’s gravestone again. I thought I had it all worked out- around 11 spots in from the bottom, and 11 in from the side. 11 -11- the magic number. But it’s like my mind couldn’t think or focus because my body was struggling to keep it all together. And I just couldn’t see her name. I saw names that were close but not the right date or not the right fully name.
I didn’t think I could hold on much longer, and then the handydart taxi called me to tell me a driver was on his way but he wasn’t sure where to stop. The taxi driver had gone to the front entrance way at the top of the cemetery, and I was way at the bottom.
There was no way I would be able to make it up there myself what with the weakness in my leg. It was way too far a walk for me. So I tried to explain where I was and how to get to that bottom entrance. I had to give up on Mama’s gravestone, and just kind of threw a couple of the roses somewhere near that area, and then hobbled to the bottom gateway.
I tried waiting there, but it was taking too long. And I really couldn’t hold it anymore- the pee I mean. My bladder felt like it was going to explode.
I thought I could sit on the cemetery sign near me. It seemed to be the perfect size- big and flat and stable like a seat right on the corner. I thought I could just subtly sit there and pee without anyone seeing me. Luckily, I was wearing a skirt. But there were a few people from our religious background around that grave area, And I realized the sign was specifically for indicating that that was the area for the plots bought out by our cultural community. And maybe peeing on it would be sacrilegious? But I almost still did it, I was so desperate. But I nearly burnt my but on it, it was so so hot. So I had to find another solution.
I walked further away from that area and those people, only to find that some guy from our culture was parking his car in front of where I was standing. So I couldn’t do anything because he could see me. I tried to act calm when he asked if I needed a ride or any help. I told him my ride was coming.
So, here I was, waiting for the taxi that was somewhere close by, and behind me were people who could see me in the cemetery area, and in front of me was a road that anyone could come to. I couldn’t find a private place to hide at all. And I knew I couldn’t hold it any longer. So… when another guy parked his van on the road area I was at, I prayed he would leave his van there. Because once he got out and walked closer into the cemetery, I sat on the curb, slyly slipped off my underwear, and just went pee. The van was the perfect size to hide me from almost every angle. And I just spilled it right there. Right then. Pretending I nothing was going on.
The taxi driver could have come, someone from behind could have seen me. A puddle was forming below me and I just didn’t care anymore. It felt good. Not just because I was relieved to finally pee. That was definitely a blessing. But I also thought why do we have to go through this kind of torture? Why do we torture ourselves to save face for other people?
I have medical issues right now that make it so I can’t get around easily. You had medical issues and were dealing with being older and how that can wreak havoc on your bladder and other parts of your body. If we can’t make it somewhere, we can’t make it somewhere. Why were we killing ourselves over what wasn’t even our faults?
I smiled as I peed because I thought it isn’t fair what we do to ourselves just to make everyone else comfortable when we are so uncomfortable.
I wish I had understood what you were going through when you were in these kind of situations. I wish I had said, “Mom, don’t worry. Just slip off your underwear and go pee. I’ll cover you, like the truck covered me. Because seriously, it’s not worth it to put ourselves through what we do. I wish I had understood better how you just needed someone to say, “It’s okay. Do whatever you need to do.”
I wondered if you were telling me those words.
Because that’s what I did that day. I needed to. Luckily, the taxi driver arrived just after I was done. But if he or anyone else had seen me, I wouldn’t have apologised. For what? For being human, for having weaknesses, for being vulnerable?
I am sorry for what you had to go through mom, especially worrying about what others thought more than just taking care of whatever you needed to do in that moment. I would have been more understanding. I should have been more understanding about what you were going through.
And next time, I won’t hesitate to just do whatever I need to do.
Instead of being embarrassed, I wondered if you were there with me laughing thinking, Yeah, that’s my girl. Haha. I wish I had been that encouraging to you and shown you I cared more about your comfort and happiness than what anyone else thought. I wish I had made you feel like you could always count on me to be on your side, no matter how strange the circumstances.
The cemetery was a reminder that life is short and we need to stop making it harder for ourselves to live it in comfort and happiness. I was already full of sadness there thinking of losing you. I wasn’t going to make it worse by putting my body through pain and discomfort. I wish I had considered all that your body was going through when you were here. I wish I had realized how much I could have eased your pain or discomfort just by giving you the go ahead, the encouragement, to just do whatever you needed in that moment.
letterstolaila 