Thank you for always encouraging me to rest

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Dear Mom,

I slept all day yesterday. A little out of some sadness, but mostly because of a head and neck ache I had the night before. Nothing seemed to alleviate it, and I didn’t want to take any harsh pain medication. Though I did try some Vicks (thanks). That was soothing.

But I was tired. My body was tired. And I felt like as much as there were things that I wanted to get done, I was being told to rest.

It must have been your voice in there too. Thank you for always encouraging me to rest. Thank you for never making me feel lazy for lying down or taking a break, or just having a ‘sick’ day. Actually, more like a it’s okay to do nothing day.

I rarely see this in people – this allowing themselves to just be, and not feeling guilty about it. I especially hear about parents who were always pushing their child to do something, to do this and that, and not to just sit around and god forbid, rest.

I feel sorry for them. I mean, it hurts my heart to hear from friends or family who say they have voices in their head from childhood of parents who make them feel like they are not enough if they are not always working or striving or up and at it- at something. I have friends whose parents still make them feel that way. Some of those friends don’t feel comfortable and are almost scared of just resting around their parents, in their own homes.

I can’t even imagine that. Not being able to rest in your parents’ home. Isn’t that what a parent’s home is for? Isn’t that what home is for? To be a sanctuary to feel safe and just be yourself? To not have to try or be or do something in particular? To just be, yourself?

I am so lucky to have had that feeling from my mom, from you, so much so that you were the one who was usually telling me to stop, to relax, to put everything down and just rest, especially when I was at your home.

I had no idea, or maybe I had some, but not enough of an idea of how lucky I was. How lucky I still am to have that voice- your voice- inside my head. Never making me feel not good enough. Never making me feel unworthy because I need to take a break. In fact, it is your voice and memories of you that remind me that that’s probably what I need the most of- to rest.

Thank you, Mommy. Thank you for caring about me so much, for loving me so much, that you never put on me what society or other parents or family’s might be putting on their children. Thank you for reminding me to relax and not feel guilty about it. That I am worthy of being taken cared of by the universe, and that my body and mind, and most of all my peace of mind is important. It needs nurturing. And sometimes, the best medicine for that is rest. Whether that be a nap for a few minutes, or a few hours, or a day, it’s okay, especially when it involves a cup of tea by your side, a hot water bottle or blanket, and maybe even some TV watching. My mother says so.

I don’t feel guilty for taking care of myself this way. But I do feel guilty for not giving this back to you.

I wish I took up more opportunities to rest with you. I wish I didn’t fight you on it, because I know that it wasn’t anything about you or your words that made me think I had to push myself to not rest. It was society, or my own insecurities that I wasn’t doing what others expected. Somehow, I thought I wasn’t doing enough. But who were these others and these opinions that I let weigh me down so much?

I should have been listening to the one and only opinion that mattered- my mother’s.

I’m sorry if I pushed you to get up and do things instead of encouraging you to rest more. I’m sorry if I didn’t give you the same space and compassion and patience that you gave me. I let pressures from outside make me think there wasn’t enough time, or that there always had to be this doing mentality. .

And you were always trying to get me to stop doing so much, and just be. Just be me. What a special gift that was. So much peace and tranquiiity and simplicity from resting. You made everything so simple. I needed that. I still do. What a special mom you are. I thought all moms were like that, but apparently not. I still hear stories of people who are either trying to please their mom’s high expectations of doing, or who are trying to release that voice of their mom’s that pushed them too much.

I am so lucky. I was so held by you. I am still so held by you. I wish I had given you that same support as clearly and consistently and warmly as you always gave me. It never wavered, and for that, I love you even more.

I miss you, Mom.

Mother’s Day is coming up. Let me know if there is something in particular I can do to honour you even more that day. I wish we could have a restful day together. I miss buying you something for Mother’s Day. I still check the store windows for something you would like. It was one of my most favourite things to shop for- a mother’s day gift for you. You were and are my favourite. I wish I had told you that, and showed it to you more.

I’ll save that for another letter.

Love Tas